Thoughts on marriage... [Reality]

Here I am.  Turning 30 in twenty-three days and contemplating marriage. Only this time, another human being is contemplating marriage at the same time as I am...he is contemplating marrying me.

*I know how odd it sounds that I am openly posting about marriage even before I am engaged, but I am pretty sure this is as honest and vulnerable as I can be on here about the current state of my heart.

For the first time in my life, getting married is not some lofty dream or unrealistic expectation. It is a very real possibility. So real, that it kind of slaps you in the face instead of gently caressing you.

Praying, thinking and talking about marrying my best friend is lovely, exciting, thrilling, and overwhelming in the best possible way.

But what nobody ever told me is how the very real possibility of getting married is also terrifying, intense, emotional, bittersweet and life changing.

I hope this doesn't sound like a single girl complaining about finding the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with and how the "grass is always greener" and all that crap...because it's not.

I really believe that what I am trying to say is that contemplating the idea of sharing a life with another human being is a really big decision. Not only for me, but for him too. I used to only worry about my experience in marriage, until I landed here and began to think about what his life will look like with me in it all of the time.

The moment that Edgar and I began discussing marriage it seems every single one of my relational flaws started starring at me in the face. And sometimes, it scares me to think that he is choosing to spend the rest of his life with me, a significantly flawed individual. These are the times when it all gets very REAL.

I find that this essay fills me with an odd sense of comfort. And so does this excerpt from 'Sacred Marriage' by Gary Thomas:

"A wedding calls us to our highest and best - in fact, to almost impossible - ideals. It's the way we want to live. But marriage reminds us of the daily reality of living as sinful human beings in a radically broken world."